I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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