I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
