would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
