dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
