I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
