piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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