so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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