Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
