Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
