is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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