a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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