It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Less talking, more tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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