I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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