and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
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I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
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We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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