This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
