I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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