my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
