Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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