My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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