My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
