Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
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