If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
BRING THE BAGELS
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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