Soap is not a condiment
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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