Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
There r osticjed everywhere
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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