As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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