Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
