Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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