i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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