Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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