all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
