just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
