Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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