dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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