She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
