I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
