I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
