I think I won the penis lottery.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
