I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
