i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
