I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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