What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
