It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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