youre lurking in front of me
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
