the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You took a bar mat shot.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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