Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
