what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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