What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
