every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
