If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
