cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
