Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
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Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
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I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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