I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
