I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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