You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
