I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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