my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
